i cant tell truth from lies when it comes to you,"truth will remain as truth, believe me or not, whatever i said is the truth"classic statement from you which i took as the biblical fact ever since the first time i told myself to trust you.i dont even know why i chose to believe cos now that i look back, it doesnt make sense,especially when tonight,when i asked you if you are positively sure if you said something positive when sylvia asked you "is she the one"all i could remember is that, you replied her with, honestly, i dont think so. i was walking sooli to the dover mrt station.you then asked for evidence to that, to which i have none obviously. and so, you're directing to how it doesnt stand since i dont have evidence. so what now?whatever you say is always right, while whatever i state, always has to be supoorted with physical evidence?what? just because i'm prc i'm lesser of a being than you?):i'm not angry, its really pure sadness, since the whole auckland episode where i stranded you alone in singapore, and telling you the ultimate meanest thing of wishing that you could besent to jail for a very long time, i've decided to think, and ponder hard 3 times to make sure that i dont get into a verbal diarrhea which isnot processed through my mind and hurt your feelings.and i followed through my personal pact, closely, till today. and i'm glad i've not hurt you in any ways.but sometimes i do tick you off through questioning, while you can hurl insults which you render as just angry words, to which i felt so hurt that i cant even stop myself from crying. i'm not devoided of emotions just because i keep all my refutes in, it's our innate ability to retaliate,sad to say, i love you enough to hold myself back nicely. almost all the time.when i'm sad i cry,when i'm angry i have no choice but to cry too. i cant count the number of times you've asked for a break up,i'm not denying that i really do feel the happiest with you, we somehow just can get along so well,and you know what? i managed a trend from all the different recounts couples have after they've ended a relationshipwe cant get along/ we can get alongyou've said that so many times, we're not compatiable.i refused to comment,right now, i'm still unwilling to accept this but,i have to admit that we click extremely well, as much as you always say we're totally the opposite, we're both bitchy in the same way,we appreciate the same things, it used to be so different, we compromised just so we can enjoy each other's company better,i dont know where the attraction stem from, but you always can work the magic of making me feel like we're still madly in love,yeah, i know it's mostly one sided now. how slow. given the numerous times you initiated break-upand the countless times i asked for another chance. since the first valentines day, where you lost the blue rose i gave, ( first time i gave anyone a flower for val)that night you told me you want a break up and i walked to woodlands on foot half waytotonight, when i was just meaning to question this question which has effectively haunted me and deprived me of sleep for a good 4 months,am i the one or not? maybe i'm really that cheap,like you've said,i'm all shit,i'm only worthy of the different hokkien profanities which you use on me ever so fluently,which you dont even take a second to consider.it's no self sympathy here, i'm just, sick of hearing all these things from you. like, my heart aches so bad, i mean to hang up but i cant,i mean to run away but i cant, i mean to scream stop but i cant, i want to tell you BUT I LOVE YOU! but i cant.cos you just wont stopp let me just sum this up,our relationship is based on material indulgence from the first moment on,through which i really did learn to appreciate and value how tough it is to materialize certain things which are hard to achieve.i know i've not been of much help to you, it's stupid to say it's beyond my means,but you've really spent a huge portion of your earnings on me, i'm not with you just to splurge your hard earn cash away i have to emphasize.it seems like, whoever pays for you, have the biggest say in your life, i want to hold that position, which is why i've decided to go for as many tuition as possible to gain that little opportunity so you can hear me out.):but obviously, i'm not doing it fast enough. asphyxiatingyou know what it means?ha, sounds like what we always like to ask each other.that's one word which i've wanted to ask you but never did,that's how i feel towards you and us sometimes,and i guess that feeling is mutual. there's no turning backtonight, there's no more sorry, i love you.let's put to test if we can remain as friends.since you've always claimed/joked that you'd rather be my friend. i love you.you'll always be with me (: somehowand i'll keep the nicest part of our memory alive.
qing bites
3:39 AM
i dont have much to say. and it's already been so many times, i'm tired, of thinking of ways to apologize, making it up to you, saying sorry, reflecting on everything, making fault out of no fault at all sometimes, and sometimes trampling over something that has been sucked out of me from the day you slapped me at rail mall. i lost my pride, and didnt care much for it.
i've written down this a million times, i used to always call for break up, and then run back asking you to take me back. which is obviously nonsensical and unneccessary.
now, you're doing the same, just that, it's clearly not out of immaturity. you're tired of this relationship, we're out of convo topics more or less, we dont share common interest, so much of compromise, i picked up your interests while you take the chance to try out mine.
still, i'm not passionate about music as much as you do, neither do i have the talent to play you nice tunes and get you interested and impressed.
as i've said on the phone with you replied with a curt 屁啊 there're many qualities in you which i am attracted to, but for you, that's definitely not the case, i'm very much just a vase, the traits on me which can amaze you are pretty much exhausted.
i dont wish to repeat myself over and over again about how i feel and all that's going through me. it's happening all too often. it's going to be tough, but i'm going to learn to respect your choices. and respect myself.
qing bites
3:21 AM
ten out of ten times you seal the night with me in tears, nine out of ten times you play lead in my nightmares, eight out of ten times a day you remind me how much you've given up to be with me seven out of ten times a week you remind me of all my wrong doings. six out of ten times on the phone you scream profanities. five out of five times you hang up on me four out of five hours with you i feel asphyxiated, with anxiety, three out of 24hrs a day, i spend reflecting on how much i'm indebted. to you. 2/10 you'll rate my appearance "your fuckface, where's your boobs man?" one out of 10 instances, you truly feel the love, when i get my paycheques. 0/10, how much i rate as a girlfriend, and how much you feel for me.
let's put it to an end. it's not too late, and before the flame burns dry you've snuffed it cold.
qing bites
2:45 AM
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
fuck you for all your inconsiderate ways, fuck you for making me feel guilty when you're doing your itp and i cant have any fun fuck you for going out late at night leaving me stranded at home worried sick and getting all anxious for all the dumb empty promises you made about how you will not do anything to make me feel uncomfortable and so much for YEAH, I'M NOT THE ONE FOR YOU AND DONT FUCKING SALVAGE IT. so much for taking my studies and career and future as your priority, i dont need your pathetic money and i have control over my own life. so here it is,
you lead yours while i lead mine
darn right you push all the wrong buttons. and this time round i'm off the last straw fuck you
qing bites
4:09 AM
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
how you can see the pain in my eyes in every single photo?
i wish i can tell you i wish to be away from you more than anything else
qing bites
7:04 AM
i dont know how i actually bear with all your fuck offs
seriously i had ENOUGH.
and really, you have ZERO patience for me.
ZERO. ZERO AND THAT'S IT.
TALK ABOUT UNREASONABLE? SEEMS LIKE I'M ALWAYS AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN BE UNREASONABLE.
NEVER YOU NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER YOU
AND SEEMS LIKE I CAN NEVER EVER GET HURT AND WHATEVER YOU SAY WILL NEVER HURT ME SOMEHOW AND SOMEHOW I CAN ALWAYS ALWAYS FORGET I ALWAYS HAVE TO COS I OUGHT TO.
FOR WHICHEVER REASON I DONT KNOW
and everything that i say which are just things that i feel deep down, they hurt you right? and that's why you can be so abusive towards me
yeah, tell me to go cry a river cry a lake cos whenever i cry. i'm not only crying alone, i have nobody to console me, neither are there any comforting words or apologies or anything at all. i cry alone with you mocking me and hurling more abusive words.
whenever i get hurt, i dont just get hurt, i have you running far away from me fast saying that i asked for everything myself
i think you're totally right. about that.
qing bites
7:00 AM
OH SO TO SHOW YOUR FUCKING GRATITUDE YOU'RE CALLING MY HOUSE AT 2AM KNOWING MY MAMA ALREADY DOESN'T GET ENOUGH SLEEP.
SHE HAS TO WORK U KNOW? UNLIKE UR FUCKING MAMA. AND KNOW WHAT? I AM NOT HAPPY WITH YOU USING MY MONEY TO BUY MOVIE TICKETS FOR YOUR PARENTS. WHY CAN'T THEY PAY? !!!
qing bites
6:05 AM
you know i really don't get you right now.
first you went on and on and on about how hungry you are, going to faint in shower some more. and all you have to do is open door, accept the food - don't even need cash.
and now you're pissed off? huh? hate me even cos there's no fries?
if you really don't want food then complain once, complain twice. but if you don't stop complaining i'll think it's v serious.
W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R M.A.N i'm going to bed.
qing bites
5:42 AM
9/9/09 @ 1:26am:
my darling is super hungry to the point of being cranky (angry and sad at me at the same time) so i took the liberty to order 6 pc nuggets (with curry sauce and mayo) and apple pie (cos it's warm and delivery fries suck) and green tea.
i'm praying v hard that she's not fainted in the shower. and that she won't be mad at me for ordering (and it's paid for alr!) despite her saying no no no. should have ordered earlier lor. i tried bribing the mac's guy but he was damn adament abt 45min delivery time.
shiiiit. he just called to say he's outside darling's house but i think darling's in the shower. fuuuuuuck they bluff me - they only took what, 10min?!?!